yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
