I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
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He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
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You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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