my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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