the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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