Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
