look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
