She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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