hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
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maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
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How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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