if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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