Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
