If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
MIDGETS
????
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Randomize
