There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
