I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
