please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
