you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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