he was CRYING into my vagina
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
