Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
