remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
