Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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