I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
