We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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