You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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