when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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