I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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