Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
