he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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