My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
