is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
