1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
