Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My vagina just recognized that song.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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