yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
