Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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