he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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