so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
