Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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