mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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