Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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