Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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