I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
