you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
