Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
