Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
