taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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