capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I want to fling myself into the sun
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I enjoy the company of your penis
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
