I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
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Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He keeps bees of course he's weird
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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