I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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