now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
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I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
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First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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