You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
