Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
