I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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