Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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