fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
