Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Randomize
