Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
