That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
