My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Randomize
