saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
