i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
