just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
