K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
