____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
